March 2024: Table for One Untouchable
Observers stretching back a couple hundred years all the way up through today have drawn the conclusion that Americans are, by and large, too individualistic to succeed in creating a society that works towards the betterment of all its citizens. We like to focus on our own self so much that any requests to consider the greater good are liable to be met with protests that our freedom is being taken away. As a result we get more poverty, more crime, more injustice, more income inequality, less economic mobility, worse education, worse health, and let’s go ahead and throw in a planet on fire. Our own individual lives are worse for it. We make this deal over and over. Not we, me.
So, stop being weird about me going to see movies by myself.
I’m living our values! Solo trips to a restaurant, a bar, a movie theater, anywhere, make complete sense in a society (IN A SOCIETY) that is riding and dying for rugged individualism.
What, you need a person to join you to go to see Wonka? Ok Stalin.
That look the host/ess gives you when you say “Table for 1.” My fellow solo-dolos know it well. Like you just made something awkward for them. That face. Like you just farted and they are embarrassed for you. Now you feel like you did something wrong and feel compelled to add something like “yep just me today…hehe,” as they lead you over to the table as far away from civilization as possible, coming right up, table for one untouchable, your server will be over to take care of you never. In a country where the wealthy are actively trying to get rid of social security? You, brunch host/ess, belong in a CIA black site.
Here are the best activities to do alone, ranked:
Movie
Breakfast
Walk
Museum
Dinner
Bar
Sporting event
Library
Hanging in the library alone is a treat. It only comes in last here because, at least as an adult man, if you hang around too long the staff regard you with a sort of weary suspicion. They don’t say anything, but you get the type of glance that tells you clear as day please don’t pull your dick out, please don’t pull your dick out, not this again.
Take back your freedom!
Now to get comedy spicy:
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